When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
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Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.