When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
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MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.