When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

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My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.


Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.


Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.


“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.


I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.


me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!


I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.


I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.


I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .