@maulifuff

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

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@ericsshadow

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

@noog

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

@Elizacal

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

@heidi420x

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

@suecorvette

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

@mattgallo123

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

@weinerdog4life

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

@towelforacape

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .