When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
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I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.