When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
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i meant to share this earlier
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill