When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
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Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt