When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
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My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?