My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
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Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
Does this Guilt have a sist
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
—What are we?
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?