@themorris23

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

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@robdelaney

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

@crunchenhanced

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

@joeldanger

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

@SamSkinnerKC

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

@VerifiedDrunk

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

@Twitmytweeties

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

@JasonNotEvil

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

@spacegirl4win

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

@Grommit56

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.