@themorris23

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

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@Dawn_M_

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

@blckjesse

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

@Token_Geezer

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

@aaronup

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

@thejamietighe

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

@Jake_Vig

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

@TheHyyyype

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

@Cheese_Pile

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”

Does this Guilt have a sist

@SteveSuckington

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

@samalmightysam

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!