When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

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Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.


Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword


Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.



Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.


Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.


“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…


Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..


Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma


Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.