@BabetteJones
@ThisOneSayz *pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
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@ThisOneSayz 
@stpeteyontweety Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
@Pulse_NYC So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
@greenmartinis If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
@OyVeyLady Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
@MomofTeen I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
@Proxic0n SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
@sixfootcandy *puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
@TheThomason One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
@Cheeseboy22 Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.