@BabetteJones
@1evilidiot Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
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@1evilidiot 
@LionessElise This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
@JessObsess *At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
@msdanifernandez *on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
@MarfSalvador son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
@ColoradoUgly Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
@BunAndLeggings I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
@TheKimersonShow Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
@Imposter_Edits Motion detecting home security camera working well!
@NewDadNotes God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?