When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

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*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!


Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight

That’s how a good marriage works people.


So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.


If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.


Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics


I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.



SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that


*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*


One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.


Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.