When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
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Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
181.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party