When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
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5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*