When life hands you women, make women laid.
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If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence