When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

You Might Also Like


Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.


Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™


if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy


I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.


When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.


They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.


ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!


I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.