Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
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Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Hey I worked for it too!
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.