@AngieDavisHaha

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

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@xLiserx

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

@shutupmikeginn

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

@Tmoney68

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

@joeldanger

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

@tobyhonk

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

@FredTaming

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

@thatcarlygirl

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

@Love_bug1016

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

@EndhooS

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

@jwoodham

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.