When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

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Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”


Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101


There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx


Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.


Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers


It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.


you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am


I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.


Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.