@WilliamAder

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

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@SamGirlSunday

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

@imence2

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

@TinksEyeView

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

@NikiWithIssues

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

@Token_Geezer

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

@Shariv67

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

@notfunnyelle

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

@UNDEADTRESOR

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

@ShaunRightNow

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.