When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
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Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Um … Hot Wings please
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Wikigenius
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*