When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
You Might Also Like
i love modern commerce
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
#inspiration #foodforthought
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.