When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
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[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Natty or not?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.