When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
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This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.