When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
You Might Also Like
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.