When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
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Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!