When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
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Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that