When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
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Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.