When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
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[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “