When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
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We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.