when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
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*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
The funk soul brother
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.