When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
You Might Also Like
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.