When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
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Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.