When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
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Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.