When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
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No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.