Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

No regrets in 2018

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her