When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
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ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.