When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
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Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”