🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!
“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
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Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
COP: lets get taco bell
COP: text ur ex
COP: ok ur good
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄