@TheCatWhisprer

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

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@ojedge

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

@geekysteven

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

@bobvulfov

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

@Brampersandon_

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

@TheBoydP

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

@writerPT

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

@LuckoftheDraw86

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

@sofarrsogud

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

@JllyJllyFish

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄