[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
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*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest