When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
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God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”