When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
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Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.