when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
You Might Also Like
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.