when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
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Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Boss: What do you think happened here?
Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Me ending every email:
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
me: stop it
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again