when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
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I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
She: I like Cats
He:
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.