When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
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me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?