When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
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All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd