when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
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Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender