When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
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*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Dear Lord..
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.