Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
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Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.