When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
This a good idea
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
August 8
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Ain’t no way
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day