When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
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[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
how to market bottled water to dads
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.