When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
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Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
secret recipe
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.