Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

Just grow your own

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

Risking my life for fun.

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.