Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band