When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
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Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Not messing around
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out