When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
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Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food