When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

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video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.


you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.


Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now


The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.


doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards


Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?


911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number


Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.