When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
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[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Thursday Thought.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
never forget
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards