When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
You Might Also Like
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
CRYING
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.