When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
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Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Not today, today.
Not today.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no