When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
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I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
In Canada they just call them geese
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.