When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
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Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”