When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Thursday Thought.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger