When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce